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Thursday, January 8th, 2004
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| Time: | 10:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. | | Music: | If You're Gone - Matchbox Twenty. |
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Rather contrary to the fact that I'm 4 days into my 3 week mocks, with 8 more exams to go, I feel strangely good. Tired and stressed, but good.
...Which is just damn weird. *embarrassed laugh* I wouldn't admit it to anyone in RL if they asked me. Eheh.. but since this is supposed to be my personal space for therapeutic self-confession, I really couldn't give a flying fig if I sound deranged, especially in the rare mood I'm in now. Besides, I sound deranged half the time anyway. *laughs*
I think it's partly 'cause they're just mocks, and looking at all this in a certain perspective, it doesn't really matter if I totally mess up all of them because these results won't contribute to my final grades at all. In this aspect, even coursework is something that should cause more hysteria and worry.
That's a source of comfort for me, of course, but being the flaming perfectionist that I am, I don't think it really does that much, in all honesty.
I think what's giving me more satisfaction is the minimal human contact involved when you're into your exams. Everyone has a different schedule, so you dont know who you're gonna see at school. You take your exam and then you leave - which doesn't require any social interaction whatsoever. Apart from the studying and the fretting before the exam - followed inevitably by nausea and melodramatic pessimism - it's quick, simple routine.
And as bland as it sounds, I'm really a routine kind of gal. *sheepish grimace*
Been thinking. It's only in these moments of calmness and contentment that I can get things figured out.
You see, despite how much what I show implies I have a confidence problem and I dont love myself enough, I think that, on the contrary - I love myself very much. So much that I dont even realize it. All this self-indulgence and self-justification, this self-victimization... I'm doing this all to protect myself simply because I love myself and I dont want to get hurt.
It's just that I lack acceptance.
Perhaps it's time that I acknowledge my flaws and my strengths, and accept who I really am. I'm an idealist, frequently verging on self-righteousness and self-obsession, someone hiding behind a facade of insecurity because, deep down inside, sympathy comforts and motivates my survival and determination to endure the utter shittiness of life.
I'm not proud of admitting that I thrive on sympathy, but it's time I faced up to it all the same. I like to be sympathized with - and it's really as simple as that.
I dont like to hear the truth because I'm afraid of shattering the high conception of morality I hold of myself. Appearing to have little confidence, actually, I'm an egoist inside.
And it's time I accepted that just as I have flaws and I'm just a human being, so are other people.
It's forgiveness that I lack, as well.
I dont think I'll be able to forgive everyone from my past. All that history - it's too complicated, too embedded into me; being bitter, being angry. I doubt I'll ever be able to get over all that, and frankly speaking, I dont really want to.
But for the future... these two things. Forgiveness. Acceptance. A sense of reality, and knowing what's true.
Because things aren't so bad.
Yes, I have issues with body image, with people, with performance. But I also have maturity and intellect, a sense of loyalty and strong convictions, I think.
Just as everyone else does, I have strengths and weaknesses. I know that.
I just have to learn to accept it.
Maybe I'll be settling for a new year's resolution after all.
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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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| Time: | 6:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  jubilant. |
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Regardless of all that's been happening, and how long it's been since I've really been around ... I'm sending my love, hugs, and best wishes now to all my friends here at LJcom.
Thanks for all the support you've given me, through the good and the bad times. *snuggles everyone*
Have a happy 2004! *throws confetti and offers chocolate to all*
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Monday, December 22nd, 2003
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| Time: | 12:49 am. |
| Mood: | still. |
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( . )
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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
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| Time: | 5:33 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. |
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I feel like shit.
Someone just shoot me.
Or call me and lie to me. Say my existence isn't dispensible and that you love me.
Anyone.
Please.
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Monday, November 24th, 2003
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| Time: | 6:42 pm. |
| Mood: |  sick. | | Music: | Yi Fu Zi Ming - Jay Chou. |
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I give up. This is where it ends.
And that's all I have to say.
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Sunday, November 16th, 2003
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| Time: | 12:11 am. |
| Mood: | pessimistic. | | Music: | TV. |
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( Today.. )
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Saturday, November 15th, 2003
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| Time: | 6:23 pm. |
| Mood: |  listless. | | Music: | Nothing. |
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Jealousy. Maybe that's all it is.
Why?
Why am I feeling so insecure?
I wish I could call her, but I can't. Wish I could send her an e-mail, a letter, or something. But I dont know how or what to say.
Why do I feel the way that I do?
Can't I just be oblivious?
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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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| Time: | 4:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  awake. | | Music: | Glaring Dream - Kotani Kinya [Gravitation]. |
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 | The Big Five Personality Test | | Extroverted | |||||| | 22% | | Introverted | |||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Friendly | |||||||||||| | 46% | | Aggressive | |||||||||||||| | 54% | | Orderly | |||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Disorderly | |||||||||| | 38% | | Relaxed | |||||| | 24% | | Emotional | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Intellectual | |||||||||||||| | 60% | | Practical | |||||||||| | 40% | Take Free Big 5 Personality Test
*stares at test results in silence*
I dont think I should comment on that.
Right, so .. we've officially turned in our IB options. For the record, I've chosen:
- English (Higher)
- Maths Studies (Standard)
- Spanish (Standard)
- Biology (Standard)
- Psychology (Higher)
- Philosophy (Higher)
I begin to think of the way my mother keeps telling me that I shouldn't look so much into the future and how I should try to enjoy the present and be spontaneous. I can't see how that can be possible when we're already being forced to consider what we're gonna be doing after university just by choosing our subjects for IB. It all sucks. (And actually, it corresponds to my test results for orderliness... but I think I've done enough psychoanalysis this week, so I'd better avoid the issue.)
So here I am, fixing on the career of counselling or clinical psychology.
*listens to sounds of coughing audience*
Yeah, yeah, I know. It's hardly reasonable, and more than a tad bit hypocritical, seeing as I'm not exactly the paragon of mental health.
All I've really wanted to do is write novels. But 21st Century life makes it impossible to do just that. I need a job, I need to earn a living.
And I want to help people because I dont want to see people in pain, going through what I've been through. Downfallen as the world may be, people need help. Maybe.. we can still be saved yet..?
Erm. *raises eyebrow at self* Nevermind.
... I'll make a crappy psychologist, at any rate. But I guess since that's my goal now, I have to work and study hard for it.
And I guess studying hard is what I do best. After all, I did give away all the chances I ever had of a decent life for it.
*holds head* What a fucked up life this has turned out to be. *amused laughter*
( More? Yup. )
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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
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| Time: | 4:56 pm. |
| Mood: | shocked. | | Music: | Only Hope - Switchfoot. |
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After years of desperate soul-searching, the realization has finally hit me. With the force of something apocalyptic, with the lingering aftertaste of bittersweet wine. I sit here, unable to shake the feeling that this has been staring at me straight in the face all along, but yet, I never seemed to see.
And all of a sudden it hit me on the bus ride home, and I see things so clearly now in a short-lived surge of an objective point of view which has suddenly possessed me.
Now, it all makes sense.
( The Truth. )
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Saturday, October 25th, 2003
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| Time: | 3:53 pm. |
| Mood: |  stressed. | | Music: | Doro Hou - Aiko. |
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I just finished a 3 page essay on poverty and world development.
If I smoked, I would say I'm in desperate need of a cigarette.
2 down. 2 to go.
*grimaces*
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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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| Time: | 10:33 pm. |
| Mood: |  discontent. | | Music: | Radio interview. |
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( Vagueness. )
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Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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| Time: | 10:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  okay. | | Music: | TV Broadcast - The Cider House Rules. |
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Am so glad to be around LJ again.. to finally be able to read all your blog entries and reply to them just like old times. This is nice. *sighs in contentment* Completed a fic today, albeit a plotless one. Better than nothing, I s'pose. Trying to clear my writer's block.
Anyway, to catch up on the events of my life, I spent last week doing community service at a centre for homeless people. It's this thing we have at school called CAS week. Long story but basically we do activities instead of having lessons.. the service that I chose was this, so that was what I did for a week. Getting a week off school starting tomorrow. Should be great to get away from everything, even if only for a while.
CAS week wasnt the most interesting experience, frankly speaking, neither was it the most pleasant, especially when we had hands-on experience at cleaning toilets. (yes, we did clean toilets.) But it was eye-opening in that.. I'm thinking of doing some kind of social work now as a career, maybe following up on my plans at taking psychology or philosophy in uni? Trying to be practical here, since I wont be able to earn a living just by writing books, which is really all I wanna do - abstain into a hermit's existence and do nothing but write away. *laughs* But those are just dreams. As much as I hate to face up to it, we all have to earn money.
It beats Law, which is what my parents seem so keen on. I've never believed in the Law system, where it;s never been about a person's innocence, but about how well a person can master rhetoric. *scoffs*
In all honesty, I dont wanna see people going through what I've been through. No one should have to feel lonely.
But I'm just being idealistic.
I haven't felt idealistic for weeks. Quite a relief, really, because I was worrying that my idealism was fading. I think I've changed. Lost the spark in my eye when I talk about the human race, lost the love I used to have and the hope I used to speak of.
I guess it's inevitable, as much as I would like to stunt my already premature maturity. Now I'm just.. jaded.
...And that can't be good. *coughs* I remember someone telling me that jaded-ness really doesnt suit me. Ahem.
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Saturday, October 18th, 2003
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| Time: | 11:19 pm. |
| Mood: | ecstatic. | | Music: | Travelling - Utada Hikaru. |
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OMG!!!
For the first time in three weeks, I can actually access LJcom!!! (albeit for only a few minutes. Grr.)
OMG!! OMG!! OMG!! *twirls and does happy dance* Finally, the chance to change my layout! Woohoo!!
And yeah, that's why I've been away for so long. T_T 'cause for reasons totally unknown to me, I havent been able to access anyone's LJs. Urgh.
Right, I'm going around to reply people's entries now. Woohoo!!! ^_____^
*bounces into the distance*
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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| Time: | 6:37 pm. |
| Mood: |  moody. | | Music: | Tonight - Staind. |
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For the second time since the beginning of school, I've injured myself 'cause of the open locker door above mine. The first time it was my shoulder, this time it was the top of my head.
I swear, if it happens again, that bitch is gonna get it. T_T Was this close to jamming her prune-like head into that fxcking locker of hers and slamming it as hard as I could.
It would be very pleasurable considering all my unvented steam, I'm sure. *smirks* Ahem.
To clarify this whole thing, at school, my locker's on the lowest row, touching the floor. There are two lockers stacked vertically above mine. I have to squat and kneel to access my locker, and this is the second time I've stood up and banged myself on the wide open locker door of the highest locker above mine. Is it a coincidence that this girl was one of the motherfuckers who taught me the meaning of betrayal last year? I think not. Why can't she just close her fxcking door? What the hell is her problem?
*fumes*
Hn. Right.
( ...Moving on... )
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Friday, September 19th, 2003
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Friday, September 12th, 2003
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| Time: | 12:14 am. |
| Mood: | obsessive. | | Music: | Radio news. |
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I'm tired. So tired.
Not to mention I had half a mooncake. That's 2 bowls of rice. Oh God.
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Friday, September 5th, 2003
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| Time: | 6:31 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | Simon - Lifehouse. |
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I got through one week of school, and methinks this calls for some sort of celebration.
*attempts to stand up and throw confetti, but fails terribly and collapses onto chair*
.. Or maybe not.
It was alright. School, I mean. Forgive me if my words slur and I sound barely comprehendible - I think all my logical language has been squeezed dry by essays and coursework. We didn't have any real lessons on the first day 'cause of the passing typhoon (thankyou God!), but the rest of the days were.. let's say, packed with work. Whatever happened to the well-known fact that the first week of school is a joyride in terms of workload? Urgh.
I wonder why I even bother with all this crap....
But I do, so I guess there's not much sense in wondering about it now. It's a Friday, which means there's no school tomorrow, and that's a good thing. That's all that matters. *nods to self*
( Still dazed. )
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Monday, September 1st, 2003
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| Time: | 12:24 am. |
| Mood: |  indescribable. | | Music: | Bed Of Lies - Matchbox Twenty. |
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I have officially finished Volume 20, and the whole series, of Angel Sanctuary.
The ending - priceless. Beautiful.
*leans back on chair speechless*
I have some questions though.. hopefully I'll be able to summon some assistance from AS fans? *confuzzled*
- Does Lucifer die? When he regains his humanity as Kira for a split second, and Setsuna strikes a blow at the Heaven Tablet.. when he sees Alexiel afterwards, is Lucifer dead? Or is he still alive? ('cause his shadow appears above his father when he returns to Earth, am I correct?)
- Is Rociel dead? While Adam Kadamon tells everyone his last wishes(this is after the Heaven Tablet is destroyed).. and Setsuna's carrying Sara, he looks up and and sees figures in the distance.. someone who asks him whether he needs help regenerating his powers and etc.. aren't the figures Katan and Rociel? I can be so sure that they are.. but I read somewhere that Rociel died? o_O
- At the end of Volume 18, when Katou dies (;__; *sniffles*), the last vision he sees is one of Kira, even when he's losing his memory and his consciousness. But yet, in Yuki-sensei's author notes.. she tries to clarify this incident (in very vague terms that I still cant figure out) and says she's doing it to avoid fans confusing this incident with the other incidents in which characters die and return to the people they love most (eg. Sevotharte). So.. is Yuki-sensei trying to tell us that Katou's feelings for Kira are strictly non-romantic? >.< This thought is bothering me... calling fans who have read the author's notes at the back of Volume 18, give me a hand here and tell me what you think!
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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
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| Time: | 6:55 pm. |
| Mood: | numb. | | Music: | You Won't Be Mine - Matchbox Twenty. |
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Two more days.
Instead of getting the usual yearly pre-school jitters; anxiety about schoolwork and not embarrassing myself in front of my peers, I keep getting surges of foreboding now and again.
( I listen to myself explain. )
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Friday, August 29th, 2003
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| Time: | 1:14 am. |
| Mood: | blank. | | Music: | Wait and See [risk] - Utada Hikaru. |
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Nothing much today. Went to the gym as usual, went shopping for groceries with my mother, came back home, did some work, had dinner, watched TV, read manga, and now I'm doing some net-surfing, chatting to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) tea_rose, and blogging.
I'm not feeling depressed or anything. I reckon I've just spent too much time today thinking, which seems to always be the case now that school is drawing near.
( Musings. )
There's no other way.
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